Blindness

Sometimes, I must confess, bored is the word to define me.

What life can a person lead stuck in the past, not letting the future become the present? Tomorrow is now today, but I haven’t left yesterday yet.

My life is a complete mess. I am making all the wrong decisions again and again. I started this blog and for a whole weekend I couldn’t stop writing. Writing comes like this to me. It takes over my mind and my hands. Impossible to stop. Then, I was forced back into work.

But why all these words? Because I need letting them out. I have written and deleted many and many before. I could just keep on doing that. Or maybe not.

It isn’t that what is bothering me just now. Instead, it’s my psychological health. How can someone loving another be kept sane? How can all this wasted love be of any good for me? What am I to you? Most probably, nothing. What is it so special about you, what power have you over me, that I can’t get over you?

Do you want to?

Of course not. Of course I don’t want to get over you. That’s the problem. That’s the main problem. The only problem…

Am I stupid, or what? You don’t want to be with me. You said so. You wanted me to be your friend. If I couldn’t, you would deal with it. I wanted us to be together very badly. I didn’t want us stop being friends. But I couldn’t be your friend. I freaked out. And you have too many responsibilities. I was immature. I was romantic and a foul. And you so extremely busy.

Is this the reason why you don’t answer my e-mails? I fear it’s not, but I hope so.

You said we would be friends for as long as I want. You lied to me. Or are you loosing your mind with all the work you need do, just as I am for not hearing from you? I know you are busy. I was told. I try not to ask for you. I’m afraid someone will tell you ‘do you know who asked for you?’ I’m afraid you would get even angrier. Are you angry?

This is far most the worse thing to bear. Do you know how this girl’s mind works? When it doesn’t know the answer, it makes conjectures, finds suitable answers, reasonable possibilities. Truthful or not, who knows?

But can you possibly be so busy that you can’t even spare two seconds to write: ‘I don’t want to talk to you. Leave me the f*** alone.’ At least I would know. At least my mind would have different stupid questions for a change to be occupied with. You are just too polite to say something like that, I think. Reading to this, you would immediately ask me stop saying the f word. My friends say you have said it already by not answering back, by your silence. Sorry, I did to hear it to be sure. I’m an old-fashion girl. I would wait for the sea to bring back my lover, I would trust the sea to take good care of you and bring you safe back to me. Yes, I need to hear it.

Can you be so busy as you said you would be? I’m selfish, please forgive me. What I was told is that you are working like crazy, not doing anything else. And that it is going on for months. I wouldn’t need anyone to tell me this. And you know I would try not to let you work so hard. No, not not to let you work so hard, simply make you spare time to relax.

How can I expect you to have two minutes to spare me, when you go into the shower and forget to wash?

Do you know?

I would take you to the shower and bathe you.

I would lay you down in bed and massage every single part of your body.

Cook you breakfast, lunch and diner every day.

Pour you fresh coffee.

Come to your office and take you out of there for half an hour just to switch your brain off for a bit.

Do your laundry, dishes and cleaning.

Do all these things I could do so you can focus on work only. And this would make you have spare time to relax.

I would remind you things, because you always forget.

I would hold you in my arms, kiss you and make you feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Because, to me, you are.

And I would leave you alone whenever you were too pissed up with everything, but hide you a sweet and a note saying how much I love you. And you would smile finding it.

Do you know how much do I still love you even when I mean nothing to you?

How blind can my love be?

How can I take my life back into track if I stubbornly keep trying the closed road leading to you?

Where can I find the strength to face another day, when you are gone the moment I open my eyes?

Oh God, please give a sign saying I will see her again, saying she will be in my arms again. Even if only once more.

Would once more make any difference?

Would once more be enough to make you understand that my love is true and can’t be drawn by the ocean between us?

Would once more be enough to calm my heart?

Would once more be enough for us to grow strong together?

It would be enough to make me the happiest person on earth. And you, I hope. For how long? For us to decide.

Why do I keep on denying the facts?

Why do I keep on believing all things are possible?

Because they are.

Because I can’t live feeling differently.

Looking out the window I see the moon, dancing gorgeous in the sky, with all the stars dancing around, trying to get closer. There is only one star near her. Well, it’s actually a planet.

Sign or no sign, the moon is smiling at me.

Can you see her?

Through the moon, I’m sending you a smile, a kiss and a hug.