I simply woke up this morning (July 4th, 2007) wondering. I was still asleep, haven’t yet opened my eyes yet for the new day, and already was I wondering.
Is it you touching me that I miss, or is it just the touch?
Is it you kissing me that I miss, or is it just the kiss?
Is it you hugging me that I miss, or is it just the hug?
Is it you talking with me that I miss, or is it just the talk?
Is it your laugh and smile that I miss, or is it just the laugh and the smile?
You used to say how you loved my smile, how you would miss my smile when I was gone. I used to say I would miss every little detail about you. Little details not even you are aware about. Well, for example, how can you possibly know the expression on your face when you are sleeping in my arms?
Yes, I was always looking at you. So what? I love looking to what I love. Are my eyes too intense? Were you afraid I would look deep in your soul? Yes, it may be intriguing some times how deep I try to look. Something to do with a photographic memory.
Is it you I miss waking hugged to, or is it just to wake up next to someone?
How can I say that I love, I miss you, and that I would walk through life without ever letting your hand go?
I don’t even know you anymore! I never even got to know you enough. It’s never enough, is it? Not for me, it’s not. I wanted everything. I’ve shot for the moon. I missed. I’m lost in an empty and dark place. All I see surrounding me are points of light. People like calling them stars... Makes no difference. But they are so many, all so far away from where I’m standing. If I’ve missed the moon and have nothing left to for a start, how should I know which star to choose? They all boring look exactly the same. Although, they do look good together. I may as well stay just where I am, and just at them. Wait for the time to pass, wait for the planets to move, wait for another possible shot at the moon.
Yes, this is what I would do. But I can’t just wait here where I am. There’s no one here. I need a star to land my feet on. I need a purpose. Waiting isn’t a purpose, it’s a refuse to act. I need a purpose. I need a path. I don’t care if it’s the wrong one. I know it’s not for the moon I’m going now, so I have no expectations; I have no place for deceptions. I’m going and I’m not thinking about a thing, if that would ever be possible… The wind will blow me. There’s a lot of win here. It’s freezing cold.
It’s trilling to stay and watch the stars, and just wait, but enough for me, not anymore, not for any longer. I may even have a better look on the stars when staying in one, I don’t know. I may even have a glimpse at the moon, from time to time. Just imagine that!
Creating expectations. Stop! Go back. Don’t dare thinking.
And then all this about how much you are needed in my life, how much I have almost no strength left, how much my life has lost it’s meanings. Now, do stop, and think about what you are saying. How can a life have no meaning? All I am can’t be just missing you. It’s a wonderful thought, I wouldn’t mind. But that isn’t all I want to be. How can I say I love you if I’ve forgotten how to love myself? How can I say I miss you when I don’t know where I am, and I’m not missing ME?
How can I expect you to have feelings for me when I may have been just a flirt? I don’t wish to be unfair, but you have left me to think as I please. And that is what everyone tells me anyway, that I was just a flirt. Hopefully, that’s not what I feel. Most of the time…
Every thing I say takes me back to a song. ‘Most of the time…’ The Blower’s Daughter. I can’t take my mind off you, I can’t take my eyes off you. And this is how I feel, most of the times.
But you know, all this time I have left myself do nothing but crying because we can’t be together. I’m bored with so much inactivity. All I feel like doing is slap my face hard and yell at myself ‘snap out of it!’
And now, all the sudden, I wake up one morning (which may as well have been an afternoon, an evening, or late in night) and somehow I was a completely different person. I don’t know what happened. I just feel I was left to be a girl for far too long. Then, in a second I grow up a few years, a few decades. Not clock time. Mind time. But there isn’t another expression to count time, it’s seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, etc, etc, etc. I want to say a lot, so as I’m talking about the mind, and assuming my mind travels at the speed of light (my hands can never go as fast…) let me say decades of light-years. It’s like I was a girl and am now a woman. Not an all grow-up woman, but not a little girl anymore. And I’m feeling that so much has changed inside, and so much has stayed just the same. Is that possible? I don’t know.
And now I’m wondering, would you know me just now, for the first time, would you love me? And would you love me more, or less? Or simply differently? Would I still do the same mistakes? Would I believe it would be possible for us to stay together for a life-time (ok, ok, for a few years, a few decades, nothing is forever, perhaps, who knows? I don’t, so won’t argue…)? Would you still call me immature for believing so?
What’s the point of wondering when you know for sure you won’t know, when you know for sure you won’t have an answer?
Would you love me now?
Have I really changed at all?
I’m loving me. Changing is good when things are wrong. Tired of reaction, going for the action.
She loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me…
I do, love me, and that’s what matters!
(Until I finish writing these words, anyway…)
Ups, gone…
Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?
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