Friday, May 25, 2007
Heart Tricks
I can’t sleep. I have started writing and now I can’t stop. I need to sleep. I’m exhausted. I have a pen in my hand, a piece of paper lies on the desk. It’s 5am. Don’t believe the date or the time it shows on the blog. I often don’t publish things when I write them. It may go from seconds, to minutes, to hours, to days, maybe to weeks, before publishing. And I will try not to publish more than once a day. My writing is consuming more than the time I can spare.
It’s 5am. It doesn’t matter the day. Days are all the same. Only the hours matter. Because there are hours to be awake and hours to be asleep. Something to do with the Sun and the society we are expected to live in. All day I want to lie down in bed and sleep. All night I’m incessantly haunted by words.
It’s 5am. The computer is ‘off’. I went to bed around midnight. I went through some kind of trance I can’t call sleeping. The computer has been ‘on’ a few hours ago and is now ‘off’ again. I have written I don’t know how many words today, or for how long. They trouble me and I can’t sleep. I am forced to get up, to turn the light on, to grab my pen and let it take its ways along the lines.
I have all my life in front of me. I have years and years ahead to write to you. Why then this craziness? As if the world would finish tomorrow and words would be left unsaid. There will be a time, I’m sure, when I won’t be like this, when I will be wishing to have some words to write to you, something to say, something to tell.
It is a worry that all I propose to write can be forever forgotten inside of me, lost in the labyrinth of my mind. Could this be the why of all this craziness? I don’t know. I can’t think anymore. My pen is moving my hand, not the other way around. My pen is moving my hand, and my brain has nothing to do with the process. It must be my heart then. My heart should be missing you too much now. There will be times it won’t be able to remember you. Mind trick, you see. The mind is independent from the body, and so it is also from any organ. Even from the one that rules the whole thing, even from the one the mind needs to survive.
Today, my heart is screaming aloud that there are no such independencies, as the mind is often mistakenly left to assume. A heart bears everything, and quiet let itself be mistreated. But be aware of a broken heart. It is blind and nothing equals its strength.
Heart tricks, you see. The strongest of all the body tricks. Impossible to control or to calm. An unleashed heart is the worse nightmare. The heart simply won’t go back into its cage. Your chest simple won’t contain it. And I go on and on without a good night sleep.
Heart tricks, you see. Be aware.
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